Friday, September 4, 2009

SEC Football Blogger

Premise: The SEC as Old School Tag Teams

Posted: 03 Sep 2009 11:31 PM PDT

Premise: The SEC as Old School Tag Teams

Let’s face it, I’m like the Fox Reality Television Department. I see a good idea, and I tweak it for my purposes. So, I saw Black Heart Gold Pants did a post comparing College Football Teams to pro wrestlers? I say two is better than one, I say the late 80’s are better than now, and I say that I remember the Conquistadors, and I care.

Mississippi State is…The Conquistadors

There’s a term in wrestling called Jobber to the Stars. You have a guy or a team with some name recognition. And they get to beat some random dudes. (Jackson State, Middle Tennessee State) But if they face somebody with any sort of expectation? They’re basically a guarantee game. Thus, they are the Conquistadors.

Auburn is…The Colossal Connection

Because Auburn is a school with traditionally outsized expectations. Bobby Lowder is a man who wanted this team to be as good as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. The problem with that? Chris Todd’s arm is as strong as a post Princess Bride Andre was agile. The defense hits hard and I know that Antonio Coleman’s going to poke the eye out of Jimmy Jack Funk if he crosses him.

Arkansas is…the Rockers

This is mainly due to their post team career. The offense is something that is destined for bigger and better things. A lot of talent on that side of the ball. The defense? They’re the one destined for a long string of drug arrests and 18 person audiences. Ryan Mallet’s got a superkick that would take your head clean off.

Ole Miss is…The Fabulous Freebirds

They’re the team that’s built on swagger and style. You have a gunslinging quarterback in Jevan Snead. You have two playmakers in Dexter McCluster and Shay Hodge. You have a defense that will hit you as if you have been blindsided by a foreign object. I know Oxford doesn’t seem to have much bad on their streets, but there is a chance for the most genteel championship riot of all time.

Alabama is…Money Inc.

Everybody has a price. Everybody’s gonna pay. And you know that the Million Dollar Saban? He always gets his way.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Well.

LSU is…The Four Horsemen

They aren’t exactly the most charismatic team that you build a narrative over. Not to say that Les Miles doesn’t work well from the meme that he is the Ric Flair of the SEC. (If Ric Flair wore hats.) But the team is at its best when the offense is technically proficient and the defense will beat you down in the parking lot. Last year? This was the iteration where you had to deal with Paul Romo or Steve McMichael.

Vanderbilt is…The Fabulous Rougeaus

The offense is filled with ennui. Self-loathing. People who smoke clove cigarettes. Add to that a love of independent film and DeGrassi. The defense is filled with technical proficency and hard hitting. They are as well coached as a team managed by the Mouth of the South. But this is a team that reeks of Quebecois.

Kentucky is…The Public Enemy

Few teams get so much out of so little like Rich Brooks and the Wildcats. They’re trying for their fourth straight bowl win off of little more than Randall Cobb, Trevard Lindley, and a frying pan. You don’t know how they’re going to do this. But if you take them lightly? They will put you through a table.

South Carolina is…The Hart Foundation

If the Hart Foundation was in some sort of an Ultamaceian time paradox. The offense is Bret Hart. The bitter, concussed, stroked out Bret Hart. The defense? Ellis Johnson has a team that is ready willing and able to punch you in the mouth, stroke their awesome goat, and cackle about it. Just ask Russell Wilson. But the best there was isn’t exactly going to hold up their end of the deal.

Tennessee is…Demolition

Now, you look at the way the Road Warriors had galvanized mid-80’s tag-team wrestling and the WWE asked why not us? So they have the Dave Clausen like success of the outfit known as the Powers of Pain. But you dress up this new era? You get the power and the paint of top prospect Bryce Brown and the outlaw tomfoolery of one Lane Kiffin. In some form or fashion, these kids will be Walking Disasters.

Georgia is…The Twin Towers

As this is the greatest official rivalry in the SEC, you need to have the great foil to the super duo. And as Florida is the Mania and the Madness? Georgia has to be the Law and Order and the Jive Soul Bro. They are a talented team, and if you are anybody else besides a championship contender and or Florida? They will break your face off.

Florida is…The Megapowers

You have Hulk Hogan (Tim Tebow) and Randy “Macho Man” Savage (Brandon Spikes) both in their primes. You have Urban Meyer as a savvier Miss Elizabeth. You have a team that’s bound to win every game that they play. The only thing that I can see that ends them is if Brandon Spikes accuses Tim Tebow of jealous eyes.

So while you wonder if anyone can take the Megapowers down? I’ll do something else. I already know, dear reader.

I already know.

LSU vs Washington, Prediction Preview 2009

Posted: 03 Sep 2009 08:38 PM PDT

LSU vs Washington, Prediction Preview 2009
–McD, Rumors and Rants.

This game is partially not LSU’s fault. They couldn’t have known Washington would be this bad when they put it on the schedule. That said, Steve Sarkisian is in charge now,and you never know; teams do freaky things during the debut of a new head coach at home. LSU could find themselves in a very unexpected battle.

And, karmically, that would serve them right for not using Keiland Williams the last two years. The same kid who did this to Virginia Tech is behind Charles Scott (who is essentially a very, very athletic fullback) on the depth chart now and was stuck behind Jacob Hester two years ago. That’s right. Jacob. Freaking. Hester. I’m not saying Hester and Scott aren’t good running backs. They both had good numbers and Charles Scott and LenDale White have a lot in common as prospects. But even White had Reggie Bush running with him. Did I mention Williams and Scott are within five pounds of each other? Hmm, which back would Urban Meyer use? The one who is athletic, can be both a powerful and elusive back or the guy who runs straight ahead? The answer is both. Duh. I’m not saying, I’m just saying….One more Keiland Williams video? Okay one more. My favorite part of this one is that Herbstreit agrees with me, and this was two years ago!

Jordan Jefferson and the rest of the offense may actually have something to scare the Washington defense with. That is, if Jefferson can pass with any kind of efficiency. Or maybe teams on the ‘09 schedule can just sell out to stop Scott and (hopefully) Williams and then Jefferson can surprise them, like what happened to Georgia Tech at the Chick-Fil-A bowl. You know things are bad when fans are justifying a quarterback because he completed his first nine passes against an ACC squad. Hold your breath, Ti-guh fans, Russell Shepard is waiting in the wings.

Defensively, the Tigers shouldn’t have much trouble with Washington’s offense. I’m not going to lie, I love me some Jake Locker. His passing skills are about as developed as Jefferson’s, but man is he amazing to watch. The homeless man’s Tim Tebow still has a lot of potential to unlock and Steve Sarkisian may or may not be the coach to do it. We’ll see.

The only worry LSU might have is if Washington somehow got way, way faster in the offseason or if Locker manages to run wild. Sarkisian seems to favor a west-coast style approach with a hell of a lot of rollouts and bootlegs, so there’s a chance Locker could rush for some yards. Or that his passes could be woefully inaccurate, since that’s been his track record so far. The back seven for the Tigers was, uh, abominable in 2008 and worse, they were slow. That spells coaching staff overhaul on the defensive side of the ball. Hey look, it’s John Chavis! Chavis obviously has a ton of experience dealing with Tim Tebow, though I’m not sure how successful that ended up for him at Tennessee, but still. If anyone can plan for Locker, it’s him. It’s simply a question of whether the Tigers’ talented, but mediocre statistically, defense can stay in front of him. Otherwise, there’s not a whole lot to be scared of from Washington.

Look. LSU is favored by 17.5 points, and honestly, if they don’t win by 28, there ought to be a hell of a lot of grumbling in Baton Rouge. Les Miles is gonna keep his foot on the gas and run the ball with Scott out of the I-formation until Washington begs for mercy. Ciron Black is gonna be a busy man. Look for Scott’s YPC to be about 8.0 and for Williams to sit on the bench because Miles clearly hates him. Not that I’m complaining because the more Williams sits, the more likely it is for my Chargers to get him with like a sixth rounder in 2010. Sweet.

-What do you think will happen? Leave a comment below, and tell us what you think. Subscribe, and come back all season-

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