Thursday, September 16, 2010

SEC Football Blogger

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 08:45 AM PDT

Apologies for the lateness of this missive. I have been busy with political machinations. The less said, the better.

But as we’re looking at what we know after week 2? Surprises are few and far between. But we’ll break each team down with a random pop culture spirit animal. As such? We’ll start with a surprise.

Georgia: Now is the perfect time to panic!

A.J. Green is going to be gone through September. And through a quirk of scheduling, the Bulldogs will play three conference games. This week is Arkansas, next week is in Starkville. An 0-3 start isn’t likely, but there are better odds of that than a 2-1 start right now.

South Carolina: Voosh

The only reason Marcus Lattimore went to college at South Carolina was because of the comely co-eds. He doesn’t want to go to a college where they aren’t pretty, after all. And after he went all rampaging beast over the Georgia Bulldogs, I’ll give you three guesses on who or what exactly went voosh.

Kentucky: Nikita

Sure, you’re doing well. Sure, you’ll probably win this week as well. But the game is about to change. How well can they hang in in a crowded line-up?

Florida: Lazy Nike Exec Pitches Commercial Where Usain Bolt Runs Away From Something

Switch Usain Bolt with Jeffrey Demps and Nike Exec with Steve Addazio and you have the Gators offense. Boom roasted LOL.

Vanderbilt: “I gotta try”

I’m not aware of Robbie Caldwell’s musical choices. But that being said? He should be motivated by the smooth grooves of Michael McDonald. They say it’s a hopeless fight, but Vanderbilt’s gotta try. The Commodores will sail through the season, Yacht Rock style.

Alabama: Trent Richardson is the Dayman.

For obvious reasons.

Ole Miss: Cooties

Because clearly, they are pariahs. And a loss to them is rife with insult as well as injury. Looking at you, Tulane. Looking at you.

Auburn: Bill Brasky

Did I ever tell you about the time Cameron Newton went hunting? Well anyway, Newton decides he’s gonna hunt down all four members of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all beg for their lives, except Fleagul.

Not bad for a ten foot tall beast man who showers in Vodka.

LSU: Gary Busey

Also for obvious reasons.

Arkansas: Peggy Olson

As a football team, the Razorbacks are fun to watch. As a major copywriter of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, the character that Elisabeth Moss plays is also fun to watch, for reasons prurient and otherwise. And as her career seems on the grow, so too goes Arkansas.

As for Tennessee, I’m not going to make an obvious joke about Shower Discipline. And as for Mississippi State? They’re gonna beat LSU this week. They need no meme.

Deal with it.

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